Flickered
The Business of Non-Profits
A man by the name of Renaldo was once the Executive Secretary of the Dedicated Blessings Advocacy Group. He then took a 6month stint with a major international charity to apparently help our relationship with the INGO. Dedicated Blessings put in place a transition ES while Renaldo was gone. When he returned, the organization gave him the position of project leader for Child Defilement, an area that was made solely for him. We also hired a new Executive Secretary that has turned out to be incredibly professional and on his game. This was less than 5months ago and for the past month Renaldo has been on holiday. I found out today from the Executive Secretary that Renaldo has just taken a job with the international charity for the next year. Which means Renaldo worked with the INGO for 6months, used Dedicated Blessings as a buffer job (spending 20% of the paid time on vacation), and is now back with the big org, leaving Dedicated Blessings hanging.
(5months after the above) Since Renaldo’s departure for the INGO, other disappointing events have come to light. Over a month ago I accidentally took possession of some documents, which turned out to be Notifications of Debt Collection. The guy was speaking broken English, and I thought the attorney was just someone from another NGO giving us his letters of introduction. Now this was the first time the new Executive Secretary, the Board as a whole, and myself had ever heard of such debt. It is rational to conclude that if I had not accidentally taken possession of the letters addressed to those involved in the dispute, no one in the organization would have ever been informed about it.
Now the Notifications of Debt Collection pertain to a personal loan of 20million UGS ($10,000), which was dispersed on October 6th 2009, about a week before I reached site. The person who received the loan is a board member and had the Chairman and the Executive Secretary at the time (Renaldo) sign off on the debt, using the organization’s name and our vehicle as collateral…Just wait it gets better. But before I continue I need to say a few things about the Chairman. The man’s brother was the spokesperson for the ADF (actual rebel/terrorist organization you can look up). The brother is free today in the border area because of Uganda’s blanket amnesty. The Chairman himself was once arrested for sympathizing with the ADF. The Chairman’s brother is also married to a woman who works for our organization, but he has not seen her or sent financial support since she became pregnant with their youngest son. The Chairman has not condemned his brother’s actions or personally helped her in any way and even rejected a small pay increase in her salary. When the woman’s infant was in the hospital for several days, the Chairman lied about visiting the child to get out of meeting and in actuality never showed his support at the boy’s bedside even once. It is also whispered that he applied for a Peace Corps Volunteer in an attempt to acquire funding, despite PC making it perfectly clear that we are poor. The other organization he is a board member of and a receiver of a PCV flat out said it was for money.
Now get ready…The board member who received the large sum under Dedicated Blessings’ name is coincidentally Renaldo’s father. The action was against our bylaws, unlawful, a conflict of interest, and terribly bad taste. The letters stated we had one week to settle the debt or risk being sued and most likely losing our vehicle. The loan would amount to a large portion of our yearly budget, if we had to pay it. Luckily, one of the members of our board is a magistrate in a nearby district, and we let him lose on the issue, as he was as upset about the abuse of power as we were. Now the board member who used the organization as his own personal security net has accepted in writing that he is the sole person liable for the debt and has started selling off property to settle the issue.
With all the disgust caused by the inconceivable actions you would think some feet would be twitching from the rafters. It is now the beginning of August and the Chairman is still the Chairman, the board member is still a board member, and Renaldo is still working comfortably with the INGO. Why the inaction? Well the Chairman has reached his term limit and has to step down soon anyways and the board member will apparently be handled in due time. Some fear if we make them examples and remove the members by force, they may go public and tarnish the organization’s reputation. For the record, the current employees in charge of our project appear dedicated to the mission, highly capable in their duties, and understand the criteria for professionalism. Though I disagree with how the abuse is being handled, it is rational to hesitate using a firm hand for fear of damaging our current and future work. Renaldo has a monopoly card in his pocket because of the position he has at the big charity. The man is in charge of a large domestic violence campaign from which we receive finances…Yeah, isn’t this a fun situation? If we try unsuccessfully to flog him, we run the risk of losing our funding from the INGO.
Charities are founded to put themselves out of business. You construct a board and an administration in hopes of ending poverty in an area. You strive to place everyone on a certain level of income, and if you accomplish your mission, the NGO should celebrate with a closure. This is one of the major qualities that make this kind of non-profit different from a business. The purpose of a charity, in theory, is not to be self-interested for the long-term. As with any model, it all goes to hell when you add the human variable and his hubris. Individuals are focused on the promotion of their own status or that of their kin. Evolution, procreation, and the family unit itself all substantiate this claim. In the developing world, the non-profit sector is seen as a great way to build experience and make a respectable living. NGOs are as abundant as businesses in Uganda, and have the benefit of the wholesome feel. There is plenty of work to be done by non-profits in the country, and it is important to have the solutions be self-sustaining by local organizations, but we also must understand a career in charities is not viewed the same in the developing world as back in the West. We have a habit of thinking Third Sector positions are for those interested more in their impact on others than their own financial and power gains. An image of a struggling social worker performing good works and barely surviving on what is somehow called a salary, meanders in our minds when a non-profit employee is mentioned. However, when the entire country is impoverished suddenly the large number of jobs handling the problems do not seem like that bad of a career choice. It is extremely beneficial to have the best and the brightest of a country working on eradicating the plagues hindering a nation. Just as important though, are the intentions and personal ambitions of those taking up the cause driven positions.
Renaldo benefited greatly from taking up the new job with the international charity. He is now in charge of a major campaign at a well respected INGO. I’m sure he thinks he is being more beneficial to the country in his new position with his new esteem and income. However, his unexpected departure left the area of Child Defilement unattended for a number of months, causing several cases to mysteriously fade away. And due to what at best was family duty, he signed off on a massive loan for his dad. Renaldo exposed Dedicated Blessings, an organization with positive impacts in the area, to liabilities the foundation would be hard press to cover. The financial promotion of a family member was more important than the obligations he had to the organization and the thousands of citizens we try to help. I guess ideals fail when idealistic people are sparse.
Debasing God and Diluting the Holy Spirit
As readers of my infrequent entries may have already guessed, the title is meant to be provocative and to some extent a play on words. I do believe the brink of excommunication in the header may hold truth, but let me debrief first. Perhaps due to the extensive lengths of isolation, my dream state has become rather vivid occupying seven hours at night and a few hours during the day when I should be tending to work, if I had any. Recently my foggy memory tugged at an image of a belief in a “K” faith which holds power over the masses. Now looking back, it was probably just my sub-conscious floating the idea of teleKinesis which I’m sure I had to have thought about in my very academic viewings of documentaries of modern culture in the forms of mind numbing, yet nostalgic, cartoons of superheroes. However, the dream did get me wondering and the search had me stumble upon little known Kenosis. Christian theologians have transformed the meaning of “emptying” in Greek into the idea that when Christ died he emptied his love onto the world. Christ was the greatest example of God’s love, Christ was the greatest example of God’s sacrifice. The theory is God was not performing one single act of ultimate subservient love to man’s will, but rather the clear example of the essence of God’s purpose on earth. If the greatest deed one can do is lay down his life/comfort for another, than why should it be expected that the Holy is consumed by anything else. This is not to say God is inferior to man, but rather allows herself to act as a slave to man’s actions.
Now those harping the power and wrath of the Almighty God found mostly in the Old Testament would condemn these thoughts as heresy, but I persist. If one believes that truth found in Christ existed before there was man or earth as the first verses of flowery John states with the “Word” never ceasing or starting, one may find early teachings of God’s powerful vendettas contradictory to what Christ taught as universal truth, and perhaps the Torah was a guide rather than an accurate historical document (I’m just saying it’s possible, so don’t send letters yet). Kenosis gives direction and words to what others tried to grapple when understanding God’s surrender. The crucifixion was an event that created a new faith(or just made an addition to the current faith depending on what part of the Bible), but it was also the pinnacle of Jehovah’s self-imposed obligation to mankind. Ponder it this way, Christians are taught that the life of Jesus is the model for us all and he was also fully God. The physical deeds of Christ reflect the transcending spiritual roles of God and to think otherwise would be to argue Christ was separate from God in at least this respect and could easily jeopardize what most acknowledge as the Holy Trinity with the 3 being individual but 3 being the same in mind and purpose. The entire life of Jesus was brimming with servitude to man in hopes they will discover enlightenment without the vigorous hand of God’s forced direction. If Christ acts as a slave, than the logical flow is God is the same in existence. Kenosis allows for scientific evolution in all senses, and the complete secularism of society, for that is when sacrifice in God’s love is most prevalent.
Stopping my ramblings for a second, isn’t it heart achingly beautiful and humbling? I believe the rationale behind Kenosis is still to glorify, but for different reasons. A God fearing man misinterprets the necessity to worship. The Almighty should be praised not because he holds all power and could rain down destruction, if you don’t accept the sacrifice on the cross, but rather that he has chosen concede his limitless power and move through the world as an assistant to those he loves though they may forsake him and cause him unbearable pain. You may think this is all contradictory to Christian dogma. I mean what’s the point for prayer, if we’re the ones given the command, and how could God be the decider of vengeance if he holds less status than the accused? Fortunately, man is already taught to believe in contradictions because they are accepted in Christianity (a few of which I’ve already used). Christ was fully man and fully God? The Trinity with each being separate but the same? God being omniscient and omnipotent yet prayer is required? God is omnipresent yet you have to ask him into your life, which will have sin and it’s stated he can’t exist among sin? Kenosis is clearly outside mainstream dogma, but it has to have a stake in Christianity.
Following down this spiral metaphor of God as a facilitator for class discussion rather than lecturer, I will make an argument for the Holy Spirit as an immaterial thought process rather than a Mensa President Dove. While the purpose of Christ on earth was to clarify God’s use and our attempt to replicate, the Holy Spirit can be unraveled as the direction, inspiration, clarification of what man’s function/ mission is. Christ gave the disciples the right words and tools to use, and the Holy Spirit is that special, gentle kick in the tucus to get going. My question is whether Yahweh 3rd is an actual entity or instead the strength of constitution, the comfort, and the grit moments God gives his followers when they need to see the dim route to trip down.
The inquiry led me to that dusty bind of thin pages, thickened only by the pure number of words between the boards, yep I mean the Bible (actually I’m using an electronic program specific for the Testaments, but all the same). **Warning! Specific scripture is discussed below and it gets Jesussy!** I confess, I try to rely on theological interpretations of the word more often than I rely on the word itself. This is my practice not because I fear the Bible or rather my lack of commitment to survive the monotony of Leviticus and Deuteronomy. I am just weary of being able to read one version of the Bible straight through. When you come to the pages you come with your own desperations and prejudices and they change daily. In order to gain one unified understanding of what the Bible speaks a reader must present himself to the word with the same mindset each day. For instance, if you come to the Songs of Solomon with the pining heart of a longing lover, you may see the words as a rarely known understanding of physical love that few can ever taste. If you hold shrewdness to the idea of union between two, perhaps from a recent jilt, the words are naïve and even profane with no place in such a sacred collection. So I present myself to the word when I find myself in similar state as always (confused and in need).
On a number of occasions the apostles were filled with the Holy Spirit when they needed courage to continue on, but why did it not stay with them in the first place if it has a physical existence? When Cornelius of Caesarea, a “God Fearing Man” who sacrificed much alms to God Sr., was asked by said deity to call on Simon Peter for the words of guidance in understanding life which Cornelius needed, the “Holy Spirit” descended down upon those present only after Peter began to speak the gospel of instruction from Christ (Acts 10). Philip, one of the 7 evangelists given an “increase” in God’s word but not the apostle and not with the Holy Spirit somehow still healed the sick through the use of Christ in Samaria and baptized them in the name of Christ, but still no Holy Spirit. Now apostles Peter and John batted clean up and gave the peeps the Holy Spirit (Acts 8). Maybe Philip was just a novice and handing out the early AD version of scare tactic pamphlets with a Mormon in a bicycle helmet chilling in heaven drinking Ovaltine and an unsavory man shackled and tortured (not in a kinky way) in despair and Christ in between them. He may also have been handing out WWJD? T-shirts. Or the people just needed a little more slapping around and a talking to because they had been following a sorcerer named Simon for a number of years (personally I think it was a big trifecta). After this experience Philip preached to a soprano servant of Ethiopia which could have been vital to the spread of the faith (remember the last king of Ethiopia). Once again the eunuch was baptized but no Holy Spirit, and Philip went again to someplace else to try to put his skills in order. Saul, filled with Holy Spirit after receiving his sight, went straight away with the conviction of Christ’s teachings. The last of the Trinity has little pattern in which it consumes those that hear the word. We only know that those who receive are filled with an earnest and a focus on preaching Christ’s instructions. In their desire to fill the void for 12, left by Judas’s duty to cause the crucifixion, it was stated the betrayer had a portion of the ministry, or rather a point of view of the gospel, which needed a substitute so they added another to make a dozen and only then did the Holy Spirit reign upon them when they were whole and could present a true picture of God to the masses. They also had the knowledge of languages inserted into them orally or sepository (the more fun way) or crunched down on some top notch Rosetta Stone Programs and used the intelligence and memory God blessed them with. Perhaps this is why Peter and John were needed to supplement Philip, the evangelist, in order for the people to receive the Holy Spirit. Now I would never declare I have a full understanding of the methods in which the Almighty projects herself into profane man, but I do believe viewing the Holy Spirit as some mystical being taking judgment on whether one should know him is contrary to reason and the texts. And yes, my arguments of God the 3rd being the zeal one has with a full understanding of Christ’s love corners me into accepting that I have most likely not been filled with the Holy Spirit. But I would rather strive to prepare and educate in order to house such an exasperation of the faith, than nonchalantly believe the depth is within me and everyday taking for granted the drive one with the Holy Spirit is suppose to have.
Now I am an unoriginal blasphemer, this is true. However, Christianity should be respected for the leeway allowed within it. The faith is beautiful in its power of frailty and vulnerability to corruption. Though man’s hubris allows him to find variety in the sternest of religious edicts like Judaism and Islam, Christianity is a mindset meant to change behavior and not the other way around. This grants the believer his own ability to interpret before the word takes physical action in his life. Just as God is a voluntary slave to mankind, the teachings of Christ are at the mercy of the reader in hopes that he will find a path to salvation. Some theologians boast the power of the Bible, which holds cement edicts on how man should live and this may be partly true, but the men are using their own interpretation. The Bible is merely a book; yes a Godly and inspirational book, but a book none the less. The Bible allows itself to be crucified daily by those who read it, just as those it speaks of suffer(ed) with religion as the crucial inflictor. The great mind, Dietrich Bonhoffer wrote from his cell in a Nazi jail, “The ‘religious act’ is always something partial, ‘faith’ is something whole, involving the whole of one’s life. Jesus calls men, not to a new religion, but to life.” -Amen
Dearly Closed (3months ago)
figure the best dialogue for indefinite thoughts. I say the following
without preconditions or hidden intentions for the future, but I still
love you. Now don’t get frumpy or aggravated with me. I’m not
stating I’ve spent the past 18 months pining away for you. Africa has
been my dream for a decade, and I feel blessed being here. The
undeserved silence of the night and emptiness of space grants the rare
ability to reflect on myself. And without it I never would have
accepted my joy of writing and breaking down situations for analysis.
Skills which will head my future no matter what happens after here. I
found strengths in maintaining patience and a resilience to situations
that would have had me running before. I've developed a friendship
with another PCV that is hard to beat, and a new first line of
counsel. The PCV is like a 57 year old version of me…I know that’s
scary, but he’s a great sounding board. With all of this, I think the
lines of my life are slowly winding into focus, and I’ve elevated my
contentment. I’m glad for the growth, I just wish it was done with an
Atlanta address. How ironic that my meticulous division of want and
need would stumble back for me to deal with.
I’m still not exactly certain what hinders me from ever fully getting
over us. God knows I’ve searched with a torch and a giant eraser.
Maybe it’s the first love aspect, or being my first in general, or the
support and companionship we had for such a long time. Perhaps I
finally slipped from neutral for that brief set of minutes.
Rose-tinted glasses aren’t found in my wardrobe when it comes to the
past. More times than not there was pain accepted. Yet it was a
vividness of emotions riled that I never felt before or since. It’s
as if I woke to lick reality with all the aches and pleasures for a
slender second. I’ve still never been happier than sitting in the
passenger seat watching you sing to the radio. After a few lyrical
lines you'd glance over at me and we'd both start laughing. It's true
that trinkets of my life are coming together, giving a haze of
direction, but I’m still just treading down the river. Once again,
this email has absolutely no agenda of making you uncomfortable. I’m
just making honest observations. It took quite a bit of time to
accept life as it is now, and I know it’s entirely possible to have
someone rush my mind from the coma again, forcing me to endure and
relish the intensities of love and pain. However, at the present
moment, under the current conditions, I don’t believe it’s irrational
to say that the best I’ll ever experience was with you. I’m not sure
if you’ll respond or if you’ll even read this note. I wouldn’t blame
you in either case. The past several months have been erratic by me
to say the least. No matter, I had to empty these words from my head.
I pray that you’re well. Life is unfolding just as you wished
in all facets. I’ve pictured you preparing for your doctorate as you
figure out where to live with a boyfriend, and I smile. You’ve always
had the strength and focus to succeed wherever you find happiness. I
know I’ll probably never see you, talk to you, or hear from you again,
and if I do, you’ll be well past moved on with your new life.
Unfortunately, for some irritating reason I can’t pluck out, I will
still be in love with you. Thank you, for each memory and each
dream.
Tween Years (W/a start of something else)
Despite what many/most may believe, I do hold a faith, as warped though it maybe. I busted my sides when a friend stated, “God created man. And man, being a gentleman, returned the favor,” but I still accept the necessity of a higher actor at work. Let’s be honest, there’s a little egocentrism involved to think we’re it…I mean we’re kind of a meager it. I do admire the gravitas atheism places/heaves on the present and on humanity. If man is alone in the mire for a short number of decades before oblivion, his inner-will is forced to imprint a difference in hopes others’ memories will curb the black. In this respect, the frailty (not just thy name is woman) and temporality of man found in atheism is incomparably beautiful. We have before emptiness and emptiness after, and what’s called conscientious in the narrow mid.
However, I steadfastly disagree a cease in all existence is particularly essential to drive the betterment of now. The breath of the universe began with a bang or an ooze or words spoken or something else really big and impressive. We’ve grown to acknowledge the unfathomable vastness of the vacuumed pitch and the numbered rocks peppering its insides. But Where is the zero? Everything cannot come from nothing except through something. It’s this popular lack of agreeing on a start which partly withholds me from atheism.
I apologize for what follows, but atheism is in some ways a comp out. Only believing in the present leaves you exempt from endless questions. If God cannot be in the company of sin (refer to Genesis), will we still have free will in heaven or will we be worshiping drones? If God is omniscient, what is the need for prayer? If the Almighty is omnipresent, she is in all things and in all people, why is there a need to accept him into your body and into your life? She was already there. If the soul has a physical presence, when does it develop in the body? If God knows all, would she place a soul in a fetus that will be aborted? We have the ability now, with the help of electrodes, to erase memories and restart a human being. What does the soul remember and is the slate washed clean? Take one line out of a flowery Gospel, “No one comes to the Father, but by me,” and the entire faith changes (even the verse has a few different interpretations). Christianity began as a hippie sect of Judaism. Then Paul, in his infinite wisdom changed everything (it’s important to mention he rarely quotes Christ directly). Jesus mentions another who will help the apostles on their way. I thought it may unfortunately be Paul, Trinity enthusiasts know it to be the Holy Spirit (first established 325 AD), and Muslims make a decent argument for it being Muhammad. If God created all things in Heaven and Earth and nothing known now was known before, then all righteous emotions were conceived by God and of God. Love is the greatest of feelings and Love is God. Magnificent men, the likes of Gandhi were soaked with Pure Adoration and therefore, with God. Does Heaven escape such Godly men? Come on! You know these are questions juicy for thought and debate. Believing only the black, leaves out this incredible inquiry.
Here’s another and it’s good. Laws written in The Bible (mostly Old Testament) and the Quran for man were primarily enacted to protect men from what they could not control, and in their ignorance would lead to dangerous consequences, if they pursued them. Shellfish was banned because the lack of proper preparation could kill an individual. Over thousands of years humanity developed a pinnacle of evolution, which is the practice of boiling a crab or a scallop. And eureka! Gentiles are allowed to host oyster boils and roasts (saltine and a dash of tobasco by the way). Kosher is just another word that falls to the swine’s waist side. Same, but drastically different, is dirty, nasty, unholy love between a man and another man. Sodom and Gomorrah flipped fleshed for salt (non-iodized no less), and it is lumped with winks to a horse and indulging on altar wine. The question isn’t if it was a sin, but rather why? At the time culture restricted debate on the exercise’s ethical legitimacy and natural occurrence to the extent it would only arise in the most promiscuous and unbothered by disgusted faces. It is important to mention not all cultures viewed homosexuality the same as the Hebrews, Muslims, and Paulians. The Roman Army encouraged the act, believing it formed a better bond between the men (haha Pun). Up until Constantine and the indoctrinating of Christianity it worked pretty well.
Man’s mind has expanded his planes of philosophy and science. Years of research and experience and discussion has allowed realms of society. once seen as terrifying and evil, to be accepted and integrated into the people, allowing other troublemakers a caste in their place. Inter-racial marriages are at least tolerated (despite the idea of not mixing livestock breed Levi 19:19), a person hearing voices is more likely to be diagnosed as ill then possessed, if necessary, work is okay on the Sabbath, selling your daughter is in bad taste, along with being illegal, and it’s prudent to treat men and women as equal. The “word” of God is not wrong; it should just be taken in context. The Hebrew man was at the most a child in philosophical and scientific development/expansion. Man was naïve and needed barriers to protect him from what he hadn’t the tools to comprehend. A humanity that is not willing to progress positively will collapse. We are still scared, learning creatures. HIV was originally deemed GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency) and harked by radical, religious leaders as punishment from God for “evil” acts… Then science, incredibly low rates in lesbians, and that lousy Ryan White guy had to go spoil the party.
Western society is experiencing a transition. We’re beginning to differentiate between homosexuality and the flamboyance and promiscuity which can tag along, and are also acquiring the intelligence to permit one and prohibit the other. As an act is slowly accepted by society, drastic outbursts of defiance dwindle, and those new citizens are considered partly “normal.” To love another for the sake of loving the other, no matter the sex, is simple and void of evil. The action is no longer viewed as only conducted by goat flirters, Sabbath drunks, and other naughty things. We take the courageous step to decipher the unknown, and over time we move less timid. Science and schools of thought crawl at a faster step than man’s rationale, and laps religious corrections (the Catholic Church is a timeless example). Having a faith grants one the privilege of continually debating the logic of humanity and spiritual ideas.
Humans are a product of their environment. To argue otherwise overlooks all of man’s animalistic tendencies. The beliefs in spirituality one has are morphed the same as those dealing with politics, family, morality, etc. We choose theories and mindsets based on our predisposed opinions. You have a paranoia towards group think and comfort in the individual, you make a scurried snatch for political conservative dogma. You find splendor in communal sharing with everyone on an equal stand and feel big business is profit geared and faceless, you adopt liberal mantras. Normal people aren’t complicated, though they can be difficult. Faith has more variety. There’s a flavor or scoop combination for everyone. You can manipulate, cherry pick, over-emphasize bits of The Bible, Quran, Torah, Bhagavad Gita, once again etc. to justify your secular beliefs and feel comfortable on both steps of existence.
Early Christians were a group of the small exception. Knowing Christ meant a shedding of all wealth and earthly materials for fear of the many sermons against the rich (I see your Job and raise you a camel and a needle). Their new cherishing of God overcame every past belief and purged their minds ‘til they were as near to him as he would allow. They formed communities unreserved about their new “cult’s” teachings; unafraid and even joyful of persecution (refer to Perpetua of North Africa). If anyone could ever be listed as ideal Christians, these communist do-gooders were it. Yet we ignore their victory in faith because it’s not practical in today’s world or is too much of a sacrifice. Our life before believing is too ingrained for us to yank it. The subtle balancing act between the Gospels and daily life most followers perform is quite fascinating.
Love is the greatest of emotions/actions and most holy (as previously stated). Every faith is based around this fact. Now some use it to guilt man to obey God with prayers and sacrifices and a slight sense of fear. Others empower individuals on their own path toward enlightenment with love as the guide. Not unique in any way, I have worn tired and brittle over six years trying to pin one religion as solid and correct. Unfortunately, scoop flavors are too many. Sects are more plenty than the religions themselves. And within one church you can unveil several interpretations (King James, New King James, RSV, NRSV, New Living, New International, English Standard, America Revised, New American Revised, Webster, and the list goes on, with a choice of Apocrypha or no Apocrypha). When you’re splitting hairs, simple differences in translations can matter (something enviable from the Quran is its one language policy for a millennium and a half). As time slides the new changes, man changes, and the beliefs in sects are re-interpreted.
What I do have are ideas on what is Truth in Love. Throughout his teachings Christ preached vulnerable, unarmed, immovable love for the darkest of enemies, the poor, and in effect, relentless prayer for the souls of the wealthy and the wicked. I am usually a dedicated cynic of the term “altruistic acts,” as sacrificing time, money, labor, and a bit of your body fondles your pride and pops a speck of warm glow fuzzies. However, descending to the decrepit floor of man, spending your public life speaking adoration, allowing yourself to be persecuted by those you preach to, sacrificing your life for others, loving those that tortured you, stoned, pierced through bone and hung on a cross, and with your last breath you asking God to forgive them... It is also said he spent three days in Hell, where time is irrelevant, for our sins and rose again clean. I walk the string of heresy, but forget the idea of a Virgin Mary(word for virgin can also be translated as young girl), forget the two daddy drama, even forget his tricks with levitation, booze, fish, the lame, and rousing a dead guy…at least for a moment. It is his words, his teachings, his tender treatment of the most meek which makes him fully man and fully God.
I define myself a Christian because I believe Christ is the greatest in Love, the greatest in holy. Perhaps the real origin of the line about, “No one comes to the Father.” I use his strength in the Gospels when treading in any book after or before and am not afraid to discredit verses/chapters for the necessity of early law and the fallibility of man in his writing and Bible canonization. Love is my foundation, and Christ is my best model. I accept the validity of Judaism, Islam, and Eastern faiths in their own quests. However, the two other links with Abraham place man in a pit of sub-servitude, and the Asian stemmed religions are more impersonal and non-committal.
I have had more hard line Christians press me to change my free wailing position to something a little more uniformed and codified, but with less pizzazz (could of used "flamboyance"). If I yield to lines of religion, I violate the innocence of God/Love/Christ. And from an objective perspective, Christianity will have the appeal of all others. My philosophy is convoluted and belief structure intricately confusing as I drink, smoke, curse, and hold a covet or two, but I feel my logic is sound. Live that self-sacrificing kind of now to where your cares and actions are for the well-being of others and not on temporary comforts of the soul, while always remembering if you lose an understanding of self to the torments of the world, you can do nothing to heal them and glorify the holy. The Kingdom of God is here and the privilege of man is to make it so.
I was told by a friend that I write to empty thoughts from my head and this is true. Faith is the biggest part of a person’s life and a brief summary of mine is here. I end this realizing a thick uneasiness wakes when you place spiritual belief in something as concrete as text. Eh, forget it all, let me start another 6years.
Solvent
Missing Instant
After spewing those thoughts to bleached sheets to a pen pal PCV I went outside to sit on my bench, to think, and to smoke (Yes loved ones I smoke a few cigarettes a day to help pass the time and clear my head. I think God will forgive me for these transgressions.) As I sat on the sanded wood, with a torch between two finger tips, sipping sometimes of smoke and others on water hinted by fruit from a western import proving progress in the region, I analyzed my feelings. My heart or head finds no anger, or depression, or even aggravation in my state of life. What I find, what I feel is much more blessed. I unearthed contentment, at least for the moment of time. Over a year and a half ago I broke from the only true comfort I knew and spent the 18months, shared in home soil and here in the bush, rambling, changing, rummaging to find the cover for void of purpose, so I can have that idea of “whole.” A quest for new love turned up predictably halfhearted. A change of scenery gave me new feats with similar outcomes. The more you know little of life, society, philosophy, and all the intricacies which build one’s interaction with another, the more difficult acceptance and a level of comfort is in our present being. Africa was my forced progression into this process, which for a choice few of should never end. The adventures and challenges which arise with new exotic airs have been merely dull and unimpressively complex. New people only often brings trivial puzzles in a few litmus lines of dialogue. We all want security, physical comfort, and maximum pleasure (the most basic of needs, somewhat contradicting Maslow). I’m far too vindictive to say some people are better than others, but there are two people with the same moral platform and one grew up in the West and one in war, bloodshed, loss of family, and everyday struggle. In this environment I pressed into for hopes of a bludgeoning indescribably, revolutionary moment. Instead I’ve learned a different staircase. The epiphany is broken into bits as grained as a day. A writing, a scrap of paper, a project, a time filler, a discussion, a drunken chat, all may nick away rift obstructing the view. Then again, perhaps this is the revelation. I’ve never been one to be caught fully off guard, which can give life a little monotony if you let it. This entry has no satisfaction of an end for I have not reached a last step or even sight of one. No matter, I feel content.
Deal (15 Feb)
Mom,
You taught me to sing and dance without care of what others may feel. At this moment all I have are the brief glimmers of bright in what else was/is a chaotic relationship and battle of family. As distant as two points can be it’s scathing to see pain caused by you and dwelling in the family. The joys and thrills we find in this world are shared with evils and illnesses none can predict. We are a network of blood that has stared down and experienced the worsts of humanity while still holding the tag of “privileged.” Our kinship witnessed death of innocence and the unjust depreciation of a beautiful spirit dwindling behind concrete. Though all from one, we’ve coped in our own unique ways. A few bawl in the corner, comforted by something beyond and the coldness of the floor. And when their ducts are empty they stumble to a stand and find sanctuary in others as mumbles turn to discussion and possibly back to tears. At least one absorbed the traumas into his own persona through rationale and sarcastic relativism. Then pressing on in hopes all the heartaches will be powdered away by the half lives of others. Anyone in the circle can be found with a number of glitches and defects causing our quirks, diversities, and uniques. We can be stubborn, passive, careless, or lack tact to the degree of inappropriate. Others are cast the lot of inability to process. When horrific events occur in a family, especially one after the other, they don’t cry, they don’t find shelter with friends, or drink seriously in solitude. They set themselves apart from this reality and the results of hubris, and pluck together unrelated threads to form a line which not only makes sense to you, but curbs the anguishes of the truth. Living with others, however, the creation is instantly threatened and new variables must be joined to hold the line fast. Voices and variables bloom on the twine to keep the view alive. As years go on untreated, a simply woven chord meant innocently for defense has mutilated it’s nature into vines and webs of complex conspiracies and fantasized events that hurt, most importantly, the love ones trying to care for you. Mom, some children are too good for this world and Grant was one of them. Maternity is a fragile period and it halts by any number of problems and sicknesses. But it was no one’s fault and there is no evil back story. Young adulthood mires the best of us with the surprise of real life and humanity’s rushed, obliged questions on the rest of life are pressed upon you. Not even Josh can fully explain why he took the actions he did, but they were his own and he put himself in a position where the worst could happen to him and it did. The judge was a self-absorbed coward and gave a sentence far surpassing any plea arrangement and more horrendous than the simple stupid mistakes on the table. I’m unaware of the odds for a lookout with a broken radio to get two decades, but at some point there had to be an unlucky winner and Josh was it. There was Josh, the judge, and their decisions and nothing more. The reality we have now makes life a struggle each and every day, but it’s the reality and the fight your family, all of your family members continue to share. Our burdens are like those of many others, but what holds us from budging in the progress is you. You not making that grueling, courageous decision of accepting events as they were and as they are now. We need you to do this. We need you to take whatever medicines that can help you reach that point. There are no voices, no secret organizations, no conspiracies. What we have is us, our past deeds, and our future hopes. Now I’ve written at length on all of the feelings because if your current state is what you wish forever, then this is my closing letter. I will do whatever the family asks of me to help find you again, but I’m finished talking to you and pretending you’re fine. There are other deserving issues in the family and the out that have been neglected for far too long. Through the turmoil, your children have become a tough, compassionate, and self-reliant batch. In spite of Josh’s circumstances he holds a level of optimism and faith most can only aspire to. Tatum has shown to impress even the deepest of critics. She’s found what should be prioritized and knows now to invest in them. Tatum is stubborn and hardheaded, but thanks to all the family chaos I think she has more than enough grit to handle any situation. And Chase, well he’s developed a philosophy that one’s own comfort and happiness matters less than what can be secured for others. Mom, we’ve developed into phenomenal adults, and we don’t harbor resentment for you not being there for so long. Your sickness is not your fault, but you won’t find betterment until you choose to do so. We wish it’s instant, we hope it’s soon, we know it will take time. Since you’ve started down this tunnel, when I think of you I try to remember positive moments like late night excursions for pizza in some dinky car or artful endeavors around the house. But memories blur with every reflection. We love you mom, and I hope to share laughs and loving words with you as soon as you can, but for now I say goodbye.
Dearly,
Your Son
20/20