All of this was jumble, trying to find precisely what to write and
figure the best dialogue for indefinite thoughts. I say the following
without preconditions or hidden intentions for the future, but I still
love you. Now don’t get frumpy or aggravated with me. I’m not
stating I’ve spent the past 18 months pining away for you. Africa has
been my dream for a decade, and I feel blessed being here. The
undeserved silence of the night and emptiness of space grants the rare
ability to reflect on myself. And without it I never would have
accepted my joy of writing and breaking down situations for analysis.
Skills which will head my future no matter what happens after here. I
found strengths in maintaining patience and a resilience to situations
that would have had me running before. I've developed a friendship
with another PCV that is hard to beat, and a new first line of
counsel. The PCV is like a 57 year old version of me…I know that’s
scary, but he’s a great sounding board. With all of this, I think the
lines of my life are slowly winding into focus, and I’ve elevated my
contentment. I’m glad for the growth, I just wish it was done with an
Atlanta address. How ironic that my meticulous division of want and
need would stumble back for me to deal with.
I’m still not exactly certain what hinders me from ever fully getting
over us. God knows I’ve searched with a torch and a giant eraser.
Maybe it’s the first love aspect, or being my first in general, or the
support and companionship we had for such a long time. Perhaps I
finally slipped from neutral for that brief set of minutes.
Rose-tinted glasses aren’t found in my wardrobe when it comes to the
past. More times than not there was pain accepted. Yet it was a
vividness of emotions riled that I never felt before or since. It’s
as if I woke to lick reality with all the aches and pleasures for a
slender second. I’ve still never been happier than sitting in the
passenger seat watching you sing to the radio. After a few lyrical
lines you'd glance over at me and we'd both start laughing. It's true
that trinkets of my life are coming together, giving a haze of
direction, but I’m still just treading down the river. Once again,
this email has absolutely no agenda of making you uncomfortable. I’m
just making honest observations. It took quite a bit of time to
accept life as it is now, and I know it’s entirely possible to have
someone rush my mind from the coma again, forcing me to endure and
relish the intensities of love and pain. However, at the present
moment, under the current conditions, I don’t believe it’s irrational
to say that the best I’ll ever experience was with you. I’m not sure
if you’ll respond or if you’ll even read this note. I wouldn’t blame
you in either case. The past several months have been erratic by me
to say the least. No matter, I had to empty these words from my head.
I pray that you’re well. Life is unfolding just as you wished
in all facets. I’ve pictured you preparing for your doctorate as you
figure out where to live with a boyfriend, and I smile. You’ve always
had the strength and focus to succeed wherever you find happiness. I
know I’ll probably never see you, talk to you, or hear from you again,
and if I do, you’ll be well past moved on with your new life.
Unfortunately, for some irritating reason I can’t pluck out, I will
still be in love with you. Thank you, for each memory and each
dream.
